What's this all about!?

So ... what's this all about?

Let's face it, we all ask that question about one thing or another ... or maybe life in general. Especially when you've got very little else to do. 
Yes, I know the Biblical answer and I believe it. But that doesn't mean I don't ponder what it's really suppose to look like here, physically, hour by hour.

One struggle that I was able to put into words after the first month of living overseas in a new country was one of "justifying my existance". Up until I arrived in Azerbaijan, I justified my existance with friends, family, a job, exercise, church, etc. - aka stuff that filled my day that gave me self significance. Only when I had chosen to leave all of this, and before I had established any of it somewhere else, did I realize that I had a problem.
And the problem wasn't because I was overseas or had stepped out of God's will somewhere along the way ... the problem followed me there, followed me to Houston and now resides in Fort Collins.
It's ME.

There's a pattern in every place I choose to move. Excitement, realization, desperation and then surrender. Excitement in a new place with new opportunities; Realization that I am going to have to work hard to get what I want out of being there; Desperation when I realize it's not coming together as planned and I spent hours doing "nothing"; and finally Surrender, where I fall on my knees saying I can't do it - "I can't justify my life!"  Then God, in his ever loving way, reminds me (for the millionth time), "Of course you can't, Julie, I've already done it. My Son justified your existance ... the very breath you take. Why are you trying to out-do that?"  (ugh ... heart piercing)

I think I am going to try to skip the "desperation stage" this time and surrender.

What's it all about? Love, Faith and Trust ... in none other than my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ!

Deafening Silence

I, a product of my generation, have trouble handling long periods of silence well.  Why is that?  Why do I feel as if I have to create some background noise for my subconscience in order to function effectively?
Growing up, I always fell asleep listening to music ... couldn't sleep otherwise. When studying in college, I studied best when listening to epic soundtracks (i.e. Lord of the Rings, Gladiator, King Arthur, etc)  When driving I can't be alone with my thoughts for more than a few minutes before I am scanning the radio or shuffling my iPod. Even now, I sit at my house applying for jobs and I feel the urge to turn on the TV or some music.
What are we afraid of in the silence? Ourselves?
Being silent in prayer is really hard for me too. I feel like I always need to be talking and when I am done talking, I'm done praying. But lately I have felt an urging of the Spirit to just be still and listen ... let's just say I've got of practicing to do!

Be encouraged to embrace periods of silence ... you never know what you may actually be missing!

Moving ... again

About a week ago I moved to Colorado. Most people ask why ... in fact, before I left Houston (where I was before) some friends threw me a "good-bye / good luck" party in a restaurant. The manager of the restaurant, a little old woman, came up ...
"Where'r you moving?"
(me) "Colorado"
"You got a job there?"
        "No, not yet"
"You got a man there?"
        "Nope ... not yet" :)

I have been in Colorado 10 days and I still have neither of these things! Good thing that's not why I was moving! Why did I move? Cause I wanted to live by faith. Cause I wanted to pursue what I thought God was calling me to do. Cause a friend asked me to. Cause, hey, who wouldn't want to live in Colorado!?

But the funny thing is ... somethings never change wherever you move ... like yourself. I still have the same personality, the same tendensies, the same evil heart as I did everywhere else I've lived. So what keeps me from slipping back into the same self-centered lifestyle when I really want to just throw it off!?
I strive to keep my eyes fixed on the "author and perfecter of my faith"! (Hebrews 12)
I may fall, stumble, veer left or right, but only lose if I give up.

"If we start anywhere else but Christ, we lose our way."
     ~Jesus Manifesto p.108

Lord, I want to start everything every day with you!